When I work with couples, one of the big topics I try to impart to them is the idea of teamwork. In some ways, I am sure this seems logical, as a couple must function as a team to take on certain tasks. One main benefit of being part of a couple is the ability to pool resources and take on the world together. This allows incomes to stretch farther, time and energy to be used in tandem to achieve greater things and allows for some reprieve when dealing with lovely children. I think that many people have probably experienced the joys of this team spirit early on in their relationships. Maybe there was a time when you were both sick, lying in bed, feeling miserable. You were both sweaty, ill, and gross. But you were gross together. You cuddled close together in your sickness for moral support and comfort. You took shifts in the bathroom and traded off who had enough energy to get drinks or make some basic broth to keep each other going. You were on team sick, it was not a matter of me versus you, it was both of us in it together. As time goes on and you have ben together longer, particularly after adding kids to the picture, team sick seems to slip away. Now you may find yourselves waking, feeling gross, and playing some sort of bizarre game of rock, paper, scissors to determine who gets to stay in bed and who has to go be a functioning human. It has become my needs versus yours. Now it is my turn to be sick, you go out there and take care of things.
To some degree, this makes more sense with kids, as having both parents incapacitated does not work well. But the key here is the loss of team spirit. Taking on adversity in the team frame of mind is crucial to a good healthy relationship. Seeing our unit as a whole and the bumps that come along to upset us as our hurdles to overcome is the best way to keep moving forward. While it may feel easier to tell someone “you need to get your issues in order” and believe that your partner has to fix themselves up while you wait for them to meet you on your level, this breeds discontent and ill will in the relationship. Even in a case where it may seem easier to lay blame, such as one partner having an issue with substance abuse, it should be obvious that one partner cannot take on that hurdle alone. Anyone who has ever tried to quit smoking or cut out caffeine can tell you that there is a HUGE effect from your environment and friends. Having support from your closest ally to overcome things that challenge you is both logical and necessary. If my partner has an issue that is making life harder for them then I have an issue. If I am struggling with my own personal inner demons, then my partner is struggling as well.
Every time there is a top ten list of issues that couples fight over, the top three tend to be sex, money, and responsibilities. Closely followed by some form of romance, commitment, and various aspects of how couples spend their time together or apart. How can you divide any of these issues separately between each individual member of the couple? Sex and intimacy are hot topics and that requires two to tango. You believe that you are hot and your partner is cool? Guess what, that issue has two sides and they are going to be very subjective. Money spawns all sorts of controversy but that issue has its roots in power differentials, responsibilities within the household, current economic state within society, bills, debt, etc..
This is where we get to the concept of “winning. If you are in a relationship and you think that you can “win” some fight or argument within the relationship, without there being some ripples and other effects, you are sorely mistaken. If we have a knock-down, drag-out argument over something that we each have a clear stake in and neither one of us will walk away from the issue until there is a clear winner, then we are both going to lose. We are on the same team. If you lose, I lose. If I help you win, we both win. The struggles and potholes along our journey affect us both. Together, we must find a way to repair the damage and find a compromise so that we can both leave the ring as a winner. Together we are strong, divided we are weak. Winning together makes us feel closer to the team and losing just makes us want to quit. Remember that the next time you think you “won” your fight. Work together to find solutions that benefit the team. Fight for the team and not just yourself.